some may stumble, some may fall behind

When you look at me.

2009-11-04T09:09:00.000-08:00

I'm planning on moving soon, back to Northern California. My Dad won't be happy about it. I'm dropping my classes for the time being and I'm going to work as much as I can. I feel like I'm really glad to be where I am in life. It's refreshing.

Wish you were here.

2009-10-02T22:18:00.000-07:00

Listening to Pink Floyd makes me inevitably pensive and lately I've a had a lot on my mind anyway. Mostly, I've been considering that change is in the air. Not only has a new season fallen upon us, but I've noticed more and more the pieces of my life which no longer fit into the person I want to be today and tomorrow and ten years from now. So I need to start shifting and transitioning, but the problem is always knowing where to begin.

My health

My job

My relationships

My budget

My heart

It would be fruitless to say that I can make several drastic changes in my life suddenly and come out on top. (Besides, being on top is overrated. HEYO!) Anyway, what I'm saying, my friends, is that a simple-minded lady like myself works best with baby steps.

Here we go.

Priests and Paramedics

2009-09-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

It has been a good yet tumultuous season in my life. I've been recording more music, which always makes me feel better about everything. It is as if, as long as I'm making music, at least I'm doing something I know I SHOULD be doing. Yesterday Jason, one of my closest friends since high school, was here in San Diego and we got a chance to sing and record a song together. You can and probably should listen to it here: http://www.myspace.com/karenreiswig

I hope all is well with you, and I hope there is something going on in your life that you feel you should be doing. If not, know that uncertainty can be even more rewarding. Or so I've heard.

God bless the man who falls.

2009-08-09T02:33:00.000-07:00

This special entry is about my experience with, loss of, and appreciation for faith. Many of you know that these are not matters I take lightly. I wrote the note below so that those of you who've wondered may have a chance at understanding, and those of you who have not may delve a little deeper into my heart and my experience on this beautiful planet. Be well.

I read an article tonight from the Chicago Reader about David Bazan, a musician for whom I have an absurd amount of respect. (It can be found here: http://www.chicagoreader.com/chicago/the-passion-of-david-bazan/Content?oid=1169181) He started his career in the music business under a Christian label, placed by religious media culture. Over the last 15 years, his faith has disintegrated in a way that most Christians aren't fond of, not only because they might fear for the damnation of his soul, but because it is hard to swallow ideas about deeply rooted doubt when you're relying on a shallow pool of family values keeping you afloat.

Reading this article brought me to tears several times. As a former Christian myself, it is especially intriguing to me to hear of another story like mine, of faith which fell short after years of dependency, hope, and even despair. Bazan expresses these experiences in horrifying yet graceful lyrics such as these:

Wait just a minute
You expect me to believe
That all this misbehaving
Grew from one enchanted tree?
And helpless to fight it
We should all be satisfied
With this magical explanation
For why the living die
And why it's hard to be
Hard to be, hard to be
A decent human being?

(From "Hard to Be" on his new album, Curse Your Branches)

I'm not writing tonight to advertise his music (though I strongly encourage you to give it a shot if you haven't yet), but rather to tell you about what is stirring in my own heart after reading about his experience.

I can't tell you exactly how it happened. I remember a night I spent in a friend's dorm room when I was at the Honor Academy where we laid on mattresses on the ground that we'd aligned next to each other. We laughed and talked about the states of our spirits. I told her in a candid moment that I sometimes doubted my salvation (the true redeeming of my sins) because I didn't know how not to. We had been in the internship for nearly a year and on the verge of graduation, we were expected to be the leaders of our generation, the ones who would shamelessly carry the Word of God into a lost and broken world. She was silent for a moment as she considered the weight of what I'd just said. "That's not good, Karen," she told me.

Less than a year later I had a conversation with a friend of mine in which I told him through tears that I didn't think I believed in Jesus anymore. And that was that. There were too many questions left unanswered. I could no longer keep myself in this world of faith-based beliefs simply because I'd been dwelling there for as long as I could remember.

A couple of years ago when I turned my back on the Christian faith with a colorful middle finger on my left hand and a bottle of 100 proof teenage rebellion in the right, I had no idea where to turn. Friends and family who were close to me at the time watched in shock as I uprooted all that I had professed my 19 years on earth. I observed the behaviors of church goers and even family members shift as they no longer viewed me as a respectable, Christ-centered young lady.

Under the impression that I was simply sick of bearing an oversized cross, they told their children to stay away from me. Even good friends of mine would call to tell me that they knew that I was living in sin and needed to do something quickly to get my life back on the right track.

In their defense, they had loving intentions. No respectable mother wants their impressionable daughter spending weekends with an alcoholic floozy, and if I thought that I had any chance of saving my friend from the fiery merciless pits of hell, I might act out erratically as well. But to my adolescent mind, their words and actions seemed nothing but overbearing and hurtful.

These kinds of encounters only pushed me farther away from the church and, in turn, any and all concepts of faith. I wanted to demolish my spirit, to live simply and without consequence.

Even in my state of bitterness, however, I never wanted to be anything but a savior to those around me. I struggled with ideas of how to help anyone on this God-forsaken planet without mention of an alleged man who died on a cross to bear the weight of the evil of all mankind. I went through all kinds of plans for my career path, thinking I wanted to be a counselor or a doctor, desperate to "give something back" as I'd once desired to do on the missionary fields of who-knows-what third world country.

This was the hardest time of my life to date. I'd lost a lover, a community, and literally all sense of self. My identity, the very framework for my entire life, had been created by the understanding that I need only lean on the everlasting arms of Christ. And when he was no where to be seen, I felt utterly abandoned. And like any child left behind by a trusted loved one, I became angry.

I mocked anything that looked like, dressed like, or sounded like faith. It was a silly concept that I'd left behind once I became "intelligent enough" to start asking questions and no longer blindly followed some ridiculous idea about an unseen Creator. I ignored my fears that the story of Jesus could be real based on my need to escape the chains of guilt, doubt, and a certain identity that had been thrust onto me since I was a youngster.

These angry feelings swarmed within me like a cluster of confused wasps for well over a year when I decided to sign up for a philosophy of religion class. I had a lot of respect for the professor from a few brief encounters and really only joined so that I could get to know him. Quickly, the part of my brain which dealt with matters of the spirit began to get stretched and prodded, and I couldn't resist hearing stories about Nietchzsche, the great Greek gods Apollo and Dyonisis, the buddha and Siddhartha. Here were tales of humans who, like me, had given everything to be accepted by their gods and their teachings only to find more often than not, that they were left alone and in deep despair. I would often shed silent tears in class, relating to the lessons my professor would give, feeling like he was literally picking apart the pieces of my soul which I'd worked so hard to cover for so long. Over time, however, I began to crave this feeling. I wanted to see the deeper parts of myself of which I'd previously been so afraid.

Since I took this class last semester (and since a brief encounter with Bazan earlier this year which changed my life), I've found myself more open to ideas about faith. I definitely cannot lay out for you what I do or do not believe to be true, but I can tell you that I have a real sense of respect for those pursuing religion. Because regardless of whatever torment I lived with as a Christian, I know that Jesus has done and continues to do wonderful things in the lives of believers. He, along with many other great names in the spiritual world, is a means of hope and a chance for becoming a part of something bigger than one's self. Both of these concepts are hugely important to me.

Though I don't know what I will believe to be true in five, ten, or fifty years, I'm thankful for tonight. Because just to feel alive is enough tonight.

2009-07-22T00:27:00.001-07:00

Tonight, I keep having these semi-crazy thoughts running through my head. I spent all day in the sun and I'm on my period so beside the normal amount of irrationality that one possesses at a time like this, I have been seeing this wonderful man for a little over a month who told me today that he feels like I am "bummed" every time he has to leave early from a gathering because he works an absurd amount of hours and needs real sleep like a real person. I don't believe he was trying to, but this inevitably made me feel weirdly clingy and, by default, frantic that I'm going to now begin the vicious cycle that always dooms all of my relationships. So I'm running through all of these terribly emotional things that I could say to him about how he makes me feel and what I adore about him and sitting here, quietly, unable to sleep in the early morning hours, I've decided that I will be honest and tell him simply, "I like spending time with you. I'm sorry if I make you feel that way." I remind him that I have little concept of what it is to have a full time job, and leave it at that. I had to write this out in order to make sure I wasn't actually going to do or say anything excessive, stupid, or hasty. And now I feel better.

Thanks for reading. Sorry my blog sucks. Goodnight.

Californication.

2009-06-29T02:33:00.000-07:00

I had this really profound realization about a month ago about how I'm so god damn grateful for what I have now and blah, blah, blah. Truth be told, it's human nature to desire that which we cannot have. When a challenge comes along, I, like most fools, find myself courageously interested but sheepishly willing. Since the beginning of this summer, I've had an unusual turn of events that have led me to believe all the more in the empowered, strong voice that has slept within me for so long. Those who know me casually consider me to be outspoken, but those who know me genuinely see the turmoil that rages within me because I am frequently too much of a pussy to stand up for myself when I need to.

Frankly, I'm ready to strip myself of the garb of insecurity that has been laid since the foundation of my adolescence when a boy in the 4th grade made fun of me and started the vicious cycle that was my unfortunate parade of self-loathing youth. I'm ready to fucking streak down California 101, yelling about how good it feels to not give a shit what this man thinks about my body or that woman feels about my intellect. (I could probably bypass the charge with indecent exposure in this fantasy, but what the hell? I've never been arrested.)

Human nature is the most beautiful and awful part of the world that I now know. These impulses are everything that I hope to redeem and suppress within myself on a day-to-day basis. I write this down only to remind myself six months or three years down the road that I sat up in bed around 3 o'clock in the morning one summer day and forced myself to acknowledge that I deserve better treatment than I have allowed myself these 21 years, mostly from within.

You're welcome to remind me of this as well, but I might just end up calling you an asshole.

Goodnight.

We still have time.

2009-04-27T20:19:00.000-07:00

Life is glorious. The buddha in me is breathing for once.

Also, I'm a terrible blogger. Follow me on twitter: twitter.com/karenclementine

Cheers!

Sweet baby Jesus.

2009-01-20T18:55:00.000-08:00

This is my president.

On my mind.

2008-12-19T18:41:00.000-08:00

1. Relationships are messy. I'm tired of trying and I think I'd make a better cougar than wife one day anyway.

2. Twilight. Not a good movie.

3. Dear Seth Rogan, I want to swallow you whole.

4. Tracy, California.

5. Christmas presents? What are those?

6. Jason Soejoto. Google it.

7. I have this horrible looking cookie sitting in front of me and based solely on it's close proximity to me (and coupled with the fact that it is decorated like a Christmas ornament), I will probably end up eating it.

8. My mom just called me and told me that she'd like to take me Christmas shopping if I come home for the holidays. I started crying.

9. It's been a long day.

10. I need to stop being so self-pitying.

[mp3] MuteMath - Without It

I'm high. Really high.

2008-11-29T21:53:00.000-08:00

Tonight I said goodbye from a Thanksgiving visit to my three nieces. Madison, who is 7 years old, held me in her arms and wept bitterly about how she didn't want to leave. I was fine until about 3 seconds after I turned to walk toward my car, at which point I completely lost it and started crying uncontrollably.

My sister, the girls mother, is probably the most polar opposite person (from myself) that I could ever meet. She cares deeply about fashion, A-Crowd popularity, and being thin (or compensating by constantly saying self-demeaning jokes in order to feel better about her weight). Also, she's 27 and in her second marriage. She is a devout Christian and a dedicated bottle blonde.

We argued more in the last three days than I see with the 1st graders I watch at my job. And it was just as heated and emotional. She'd say horrifyingly judgmental comments about me or my friends and I would blatantly offend her with my habits of smoking herb or stealing from mass corporations.

Regardless of our almost unending battle over the last few days, I'm really grateful that she was here. I got to spend this weekend with the little girls that I love more than anything in the world. And I wasn't alone on Thanksgiving even though my parents had to be out of town. She brought a ton of food and made plans and took me shopping for my first ever (and expectingly disappointing) Black Friday.

I'm thankful for the family I have. Even if they can be complete shitheads.

[mp3] Happy Christmas (John Lennon Cover) - Snowden

Happy Holidays.

I heard a hymn today and it gave me chills.

2008-11-23T22:44:00.000-08:00

It is really unfortunate for you, the reader of this blog, that I feel most inspired to write when I feel like shit.

This will be my first Thanksgiving in San Diego; my siblings and I are going to celebrate exclusively and I'm not looking forward to being the still single one amidst the others. I am finding a lot of bizarre insecurities creeping up on me lately. I had a talk with one of my closest friends last week about how I suffer (pathetically) from severe ugly duckling syndrome. Growing up the fat kid really takes a toll on a human being. I wish I could go back to the 8th grade when Brett Hicks called me "obtuse" and punch him in the throat, telling him that he had no idea of the kind of impact shithead punks like him have on insecure pre-teen girls.

But that won't solve anything. So I'll start working out more, drinking and smoking less, and hope for a better tomorrow.

Also, this Joni Mitchell song is fucking beautiful. It's the sort of thing you can listen to when you're driving home after a shitty night, and because it's so soothing, you can trust Joni that everything will be okay.

[mp3] Joni Mitchell - A Case of You

2,689 Miles.

2008-11-14T23:55:00.000-08:00

Mostly, I'm happy. But tonight I feel very alone.

[mp3] Ben Harper - Another Lonely Day

We all want to change the world.

2008-09-23T21:27:00.000-07:00

I've realized that I've yet again allowed myself to create another fucking blog that is based solely on the expression of my bad moods. Meaning you poor people have the opportunity about once a week to stumble upon my page and hear yet again about how life is failing me.

I refuse to have another blog like this. I'm doing something about it now.

First order of business (and I realize this lets you know how horribly behind I am in the world), I saw Across the Universe this past weekend for the first time. If you've never seen this movie, and more importantly if you've never seen this movie stoned, call me. Right now. I'm coming over. I'm bringing this movie and I'm bringing the dank. You can supply the cookies and paint for our outlet of inspiration afterward.

The plot isn't much to brag about, but the music will make you blow a load right on your couch. Guaranteed.

I got my first tattoo! Kendra and I went to some danky shop in Anaheim and got sexually harassed by an adorable tattoo artist who was willing to stay late for our need to be impulsive. Thanks, Keni. Free love, baby. Always.

It's good to be alive.

[mp3] Joe Anderson, Jim Sturgess & Dorm Buddies (Across the Universe Soundtrack) - With A Little Help From My Friends

2008-09-06T16:18:00.000-07:00

This is the week when my two best friends move to opposite corners of the country, and neither one of them are the one in which I live. This is when I insert the emotional lyrics and don't know how to handle life on a daily basis.

Can you promise me you still love what you love when you left?

Will you promise me you still have what you have when you left?

[mp3] Denison Witmer - Stations

Yeah. Everything is going to be okay.

-K

Tell me that you're alright.

2008-08-31T16:49:00.000-07:00

Things are improving. Days go up and down and that's life, I suppose. I'm stoked to say that the more music I write, the more confident I feel about it. And I'm really enjoying classes so far.

Life is not all sunshine and daisies, however. My current nervous habits include:

-Cutting my own hair (this doesn't usually end well)

-Nail biting (again)

-Drinking copious amounts of cheap beer (hey, at least it's cheap)

I saw Jack Johnson perform last night at the Cricket Amphitheater. The man is a babe, no doubt. But probably not my choice in live entertainment. The tickets were a gift.

My good friend and I just drank an absurd amount of PBR and Coors Light to ensure that we have a good time at a show where 90% of the audience were women focused on looking good for Jack (or their boyfriends hoping desperately to get laid for their kind attempts at bringing them in the first place).

The song of the day is one of Jack's. Probably my favourite of his and though I don't remember the concert all that well, I know for certain that he played it and I spilled beer on myself from dancing in my seat.

[mp3] Jack Johnson - Good People

Yes, I've decided to include a song of the day with each post I create. Mostly because it costs me nothing and gives a bit of excitement to you, the reader, amidst sadly sifting through the mundane and overtly emotional details of my life.

Enjoy it. And have a wonderful day.

-K

Too tired to eat, too hungry to sleep.

2008-08-17T20:54:00.001-07:00

Today feels more lonely than usual. I don't think it is, I still have the same amount of friends I had yesterday, and they're all generally in the same place that they were before. There are moments when my dependencies and my needs cause more damage to my conscious mind than I allow most of the time. Basically, I can usually suppress or fulfill my insecurities and my needs for validation enough to not have to look them in the face and realize that they are there. Today I am having difficulty doing that.

Perhaps it is because I miss my three nieces, the people I love most in the world, more than I have in a long time. Perhaps it is because I am nearly 21 years old and I am still living with my parents without any hope for financial stability before the age of 30. Perhaps it is the fact that I drink a lot of alcohol and my body is feeling weak and sad. Perhaps it is the fact that I am getting car insurance money for my birthday this year and it is dawning on me heavily that my childhood is dead. Perhaps it was the pancakes this morning. I may never know.

I know I am not alone. I only feel that way. And I may continue to feel that way for the entirety of the week or the year, I have no idea. I do know that more than anything I'd love to have my best friend here, eating popsicles and playing video games and Elliott Smith covers in our underwear for the rest of the day. But that is not possible. And sometimes the things you want the very most will always seem just out of reach. Just too far. Just too expensive. Just too hard.

Today is a lonely day.

-K